A Guide to Recognizing Red Flags in Online Dating
An Open Letter To The Girl From Loveawake.com Who Didn’t Write Me Back
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Dear CuriousNYC,
Hello, how are you, how is life, cut the crap. Why didn’t you write me back? I was on your profile yesterday and you are clearly the type of girl I can see myself with. I can tell from your picture that it is not your picture and that turns me on even more because I am a man attracted to mystery. My parents left when I was 12 and now I live with my grandma but I am on a constant search for them and that is one mystery I don’t think I’ll be solving anytime soon.
It’s just tough growing up wearing the same four pairs of underwear because your grandma doesn’t remember you live in her attic. By the way I live in an attic and it says that you really enjoy getting close and intimate and this place is super small and gets really sweaty in the summer.
Under likes you put that you enjoy being in a place where no one else is around and I know of some really romantic fields, also my grandma isn’t home during the day and her cellar is amazing, kind of dusty and dirty but you also said you’re not afraid to get your hands dirty. I scrolled through your pictures and I was curious, you have a couple pictures where they are different women. I thought you were hiding something but then I realized you were just posting pictures of the women that get you hot and bothered, BONUS!
So listen I have a car and it’s kind of old so it’s not registered with the DMV but I just got a new paintjob, let me come pick you up at whatever location is easiest for you and we can get this thing started. It says you are into dark and kinky things and I’m ok with being blindfolded, actually more than ok, I like role playing and one of my fantasies is being tossed in a trunk. JUST REPLY TO ME OK! I’M SUPER LONELY AND I WANT SOMEONE JUST TO KNOW I EXIST! NO ONE EVEN KNOWS I EXIST! Seriously there was a slipup in the government and technically if I died or was murdered and raped no one would know.
I know from first glance I seem too good to be true but seriously I’m just a normal guy with no job or assets or anything that can trace me back to anyone. I could love you every second of the day! Just as a heads up I check my emails every three minutes so if you reply and I don’t instantly return your reply I’m so sorry. I can’t wait to see who you really are but you need to reply first…please…
Love You Forever!!!!!!!!!!!
AtticMan786
Ps. you mentioned that you love children and I do know a few that I used to baby sit. If that will get you to return my emails I swear to God I will kidnap a kid and bring him with me. I assume you would want to take the child on any trips we take too so I’ll buy some extra kid clothes for him/her and tons of food.
PPs. Do you like drugs?